I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
