he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
