toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
