I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just cut my nipple shaving
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
