I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
