we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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