Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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