Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
