I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize