Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
