I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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