where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
