I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize