Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
