I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
