3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
