Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
