I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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