So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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