i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
