Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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