Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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