Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
