she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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