Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
