Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
sarcasm needs its own font
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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