i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
