The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
