She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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