and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
