I'm going to jail i love you
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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