how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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