pop tarts are not kleenex
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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