i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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