my being single is dangerous.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
