Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
