so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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