Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
