You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
