If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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