The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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