What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
