Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize