I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
