u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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