She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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