watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
BRING THE BAGELS
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
