if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
