So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
