tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
smell my finger.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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