I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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