Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
last night I used snow as a chaser
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize