Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
