I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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