Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
