I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
