Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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