you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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